ADHD, Depression, emotions, Feel and let feel, intamacy, Let People in, Panic Attacks, Anxiety, PTSD, rape, recovery, Selfcare, SOS, Therapy, Vulnerability

Intimacy

I haven’t had sex in two years.

I decided after getting my DUI and breaking up with my rebound-boyfriend, that I was going to take the next two years and dedicate them to myself. I was placed on probation for two years, so two years of sobriety and abstinence sounded like a good duo.

Now I’m ending my two year probation, in two months. And I’m terrified of being intimate with anyone. I am horrified of dating, I’m worried about all the pressure that going on a date puts on a sexual relationship. And let’s face it. I’ve never done this whole sex and dating thing sober.

Right after my DUI and sentencing, before I went to jail, I was living in limbo, I knew the day was coming that I wouldn’t be drinking or smoking weed. I knew that, and so I soaked it in, smoking and drinking and having sex with my amazing sexual partner/ rebound boyfriend. But something changed in me. I knew I liked to take the edge off with a glass of wine. There was something so uncomfortable with the idea of sex, talking about sex, thinking while having sex, all the thoughts would race through my head and it seemed like if I hadn’t had that glass of wine before, we never would have done it. I would have made up a million excuses of why we couldn’t have sex that night, or that morning or that afternoon. (He had a healthy appetite).

Why was I so hesitant about it? I think it started at 15

I was raped when I was 15. It was after a high school football game, after the annual bonfire. I was dating the star football player- he had just moved to my high school, and he was much more experienced than me, and a few years older. I was a varsity cheerleader my freshmen year, adorable and so young. We both had the homecoming game to attend, cheering and playing football. It was a cute match of a couple. We had been together for a few months.

There were times leading up to that night, we would be in his car, making-out, being lovey dovey and couldn’t keep our hand off each other. It was fun and WAS innocent to me.. I had butterflies when I saw him. He picked me up from school even though it as out of his way, he drove me home from cheer practice and it all seemed normal to me. Maybe even romantic and loving.

But there were these moments, I was so uncertain about. I didn’t have a lot of girl friends. My sister had gone off to college, and my parents weren’t exactly the “share all your feelings” type. I didn’t know how to handle a sexual experience, because I had never really talked about it with anyone.

After heated romantic moments in his car, he would try to tell me he was ready, and I knew I was not. He would tell me things about “going farther” and how I was “so wet” after he would pull his hands from my panties, and I had no idea what he was talking about. Because I was 15. I hadn’t even had an orgasm, let alone any of the steps leading up to sex, any of the foreplay required for sex, all we did was make out. Sure he would feel me up, and there was skin exposed. But I wasn’t ready, and had told him a million times.

But that night at the bonfire things changed. Maybe it was the homecoming football game we had just won, maybe it was that he had been with other girls before and thought he could convince me that I was ready. Or maybe he knew I was young, and that I didn’t know any better.

We left the bonfire early. He drove me home in his shitty black sedan two door car. And instead of pulling into the driveway of my parents house, he stopped the car. Said he wanted to just kiss me longer, and spend some more time with me. I knew my parents weren’t home, so we kissed, and we did the things teens do. He pulled me on top of him into the drivers seat, I thought this was just playful (he was a very strong and tall guy) and we laughed and continued to make out. That’s when he started to go under my tight spanx, This was the first time he really tired to use a finger or two and it was so uncomfortable. We were 15 and 17 and he hadn’t explained any of this to me. I didn’t know what fingering was, I didn’t even know what an ORGASM was and he was going up there trying to get me to feel the pleasure and lust that he felt about my body. But it just confused me.

The next thing I know is he is pushing my hands down his pants, and there below me was a rock hard, large, penis. The first penis I had ever felt. And the first time we had ever gotten this “far” together. I whispered to him that I wasn’t ready yet, and this wasn’t the place or the right time. I wanted it to be special, and I thought we needed more time to “fall in love” or at least do it on a couch or somewhere more romantic than the front seat of his car, while I could see my parents house just over the trees in front of us.

He insisted. I could hear him opening up the condom. I said no, I’m not ready.

“Come on, please just try it, it only hurts the first time”

My parents would be home any minute, and I was scared, I felt trapped inside this car. I reached for the door, but he grabbed my arm, and shoved it back down over his penis guiding my hand the way he wanted me to. He reached over and locked the doors.

“Feel what you did to me, this is what you do to me, you can’t just leave now, it will only be a few minutes, please try it with me, everyone is doing it tonight”

And like that, his strong, 17 year old, football player, high school hands were on my hips, shoving me down on top of him.

I dont remember what happened, because it all happened so fast. But I remember there was pain, like period cramps times 10. I was blushing red on my face, trying to contain myself and my emotions. I was reaching for a place to put my hands so I could stop him from thrusting me down. But he would grab them. This happened a few times, maybe two or three. He went inside me, all the way inside. And it felt so wrong, everything about it felt wrong.

Headlights from behind the car slowly approached and passed by turning up my drive way. I had never been so excited to see my mothers car home.

I quickly pulled myself off of him, I don’t think I said anything about what had just happened, but that my mom was home and I needed to go NOW.

He unlocked the doors, I jumped out, pulling my cheerleading skirt the right way around. Adjusting my letter jacket and my spanx and reassuring myself that I could go inside and go right up to my room and no one would notice.

I got in the tub, I cried a lot. I felt terrible, sick to my stomach, how could I have let this happen, how would the person adored and trusted treat me this way? I said no right? I did, I know I did. I told him no before, why would tonight be any different. I couldn’t tell my parents because the homecoming dance was like 3 nights away and he was my date. So I cried in the tub, holding my body until the tears stopped coming, and I felt dead inside.

This is the first time I have told this story in detail, and I’m horrified reliving it.

I had told a few people from school, and it meant something fro a few days, but then everyone and everything went back to normal. I stopped talking to hm, and started to hang out with new people. And we both walked the halls as if we had never known each other.

To this day, when I’m with someone, I get flash backs of that painful moment. I feel trapped and desperate to just yell STOP IT! But I’m an adult and unless you never want to see someone again, you can just freak out in the middle of sex.

I had another high school boyfriend, I consider him the one I lost my virginity to. We had fun teenagers in love sex until it came to a crashing halt when he left for college.

I told my ex boyfriend of 3 years what had happened to me, and he acknowledged it, but we never spoke if it again. The sex between us was boring, we never talked about what we liked or didn’t like, what we wanted, or didn’t want. And I was truly and completely in love with him, and yet talking about sex seemed like a sin, like you weren’t allowed to talk about it or you’d get sent straight to hell.

So my experiments in college consisted of drunken flirting and sex.

After college was my serious boyfriend and even then, it all started out drunken, no talking and no real pleasure. I didn’t really understand that there was supposed to be such pleasure until the rebound-boyfriend. He taught me about passion. He made me talk through sex, and helped me to realize how truly amazing it is.

So now, after all of that. I have to start over at 28. With no true experience of how to start a legitimate relationship founded on talking, and talking about sex, and having sex sober. I feel like a ruined person, like I don’t know how to love myself for my flaws, and I feel so scared, that when this 2 months is up, and I decide to get “Bumble” or whatever dating app is around, that I’m going to freeze. Or worse, not go on dates because it’s easier to stay at home than to it myself out there to find the right person.

Can I be vulnerable, sober?

Can I let someone into this damaged perception of what I thought love and lust were, and let them change my mind?

How do you start over at 28, how do you not have two glasses of wine and decide to have meaningless- typically un-pleasurable sex with someone, so that you don’t have to talk through all the awkwardness.

I want to do this right this time. I want to trust again, I was to be in love again, and I want to be in lust again. But right now, in these months leading to the end of probation, all I can see s who I used to be. Who would rather jump in bed than talk about feelings.

And the worst part is, I’m telling my blog this before a I have even let myself tell my own therapist. I have pushed this topic away for years and years, and now, at tomorrows session, I’m going to bring it all up. I’m going to fix this in my heart and in my head. It’s time to be vulnerable.

Plz send advice and stories and help..

SOS

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