Recently I have been feeling so off
I cry, and wonder why I feel off, why can’t I feel happy.
I feel pain, though my whole body, like a headache that just lingers and wont go away, but this one has been here for over a year, and though it seems sometimes the pain fades, it comes back in waves that are uncontrollable.
The pain isn’t just a headache though, it’s much worse in a way. It’s sadness and loneliness, and feeling unworthy. It’s knowing that something is wrong, but not knowing what it is, It’s feeling like I’m slowly losing a grip on my life, but really I know I’m not.
As Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s called the feeling.. “The Mean Reds”
And they really are quite terrible.
I haven’t cleaned the house, I can’t seem to keep up with the dishes, there are piles of laundry stacking up all over the house. And my arts and crafts that i so desperately crave to start, are everywhere. I can’t seem to muster the energy to continue a craft I have started, and I can’t muster the energy or desire to clean.
I’m depressed. And the things I once LOVED to do, the things that have pulled me out of this feeling, no longer distract me, but seem like just another task on a todo list which makes me anxious and weary.
My body decided to attack me on Friday with a burst of panic. It made me feel like I was going insane. I was so upset and scared, but I didn’t know exactly what triggered it. I HATED the feeling. I wanted to just breathe and move on with my busy day, but I couldn’t. I went for a walk outside with a coworker, and she let me talk through some things, but I walked back in the building, and I couldn’t relax I couldnt gain traction, or get any work done, so I asked to leave, and I went straight home to get in bed, take my medication and use my weighted blanket.
I cried and cried and worried about what was going on in my absence.
I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. The blackness in my pupils were dilated and took over the green that used to surround them. The white was red from crying, and my cheeks were puffy and blushed. It felt as if I was looking through myself, as if I wasn’t eve really there anymore.
How do I get through this patch. I know I have done it before, but all my old tricks don’t seem to be working.
I want to get up and put my shoes on to go to the gym, but I just can’t
I want to get up and start a cleaning frenzy to take care of my house
Today I finally did part of the laundry. But this week coming up will be challenging, and I hope that I am able to find some strength to get myself going and find some inspiration to motivate me.
Until then, lots of rest..