My last post was a while ago, and I started to feel like I was failing at my new blog. I wanted to share a long post about my time in Jail, so I could explain everything in a chronological order.
The truth is, It was really hard to write about my time in Jail, it was hard to bring those memories back into my mind, to let myself indulge in the guilt and the self hatred. But I sat down and I wrote about it. It’s sitting in a saved document, but I couldn’t publish it yet. Why? Because there was so much that I want to capture in the post, there is so much I want to describe, how I felt and how others made me feel. Because it’s impossible for me to explain to you what that experience did to me. I want to share my experience so that others will know what it was like, but I can’t share it yet. I need to make sure my entry captures my experience, because once I publish it, I can release it. I’m struggling with the desire to finish writing it all and releasing it to the world with as much honesty and depth as it deserves.
I read it, and re read it, tweaking a word or two, moving things around, and no matter what I do it’s not right. I have been struggling with this for awhile because writing on this blog has been one of the only ways I have been able to release all the feeling, to let go of agonizing guilt, to let go of holding everything inside. I am battling this entry like I battle so many other things. So instead i’m going to explain why Inamed my blog ADHD Mountains and Acceptance.
ADHD and Anxiety create my Mountains, their peaks soar high over my head, seeming nearly impossible to reach the summit. But I have found that, it’s not always about reaching the summit. There is so much to learn from each step upwards, and onwards that helps me climb little by little, the peaks of daily challenges. I think of my Mountains like a hike. You don’t always reach the top of the mountain everytime you take a hike. You develop skills and train your body to adjust to the new altitudes, adjust with the weight you’re carrying around with you. You develop strategies to get to get to the top eventually. Having Anxiety for me, if seeing the top of the mountain, knowing I need to reach it, but thinking, and believing that have to make it all in one climb.
My Anxiety tells me to look into the distance at ALL the other mountain tops, and tells me I need to reach the top of those mountains too.
My ADHD in this example, makes me so excited to get to the top, and I try as hard as the next person to get to the top, but I get overwhelmed, and I get frustrated, and maybe I didn’t plan enough for the bumps in the road. Sometimes the bumps in the road throw me off course and I feel lost. I feel that I have failed. How could I not get to the top? And then my good friend Anxiety is back, taunting me with the failure to summit this mountain and all those others in the distance, and at that point I have 1 of two options. Accept where i am, or spiral down into a hole created by my “what if’s”created by the dark negative thoughts of not being enough about not doing enough.
But the Acceptance, the acceptance is knowing that there are odds stacked against me, in the chemical compound of my brain, that hinder me from doing things the normal way. But acceptance means I understand that each step I take is a small victory, it’s one step closer to the top, it’s celebrating each step and not punishing myself for the amount of steps ahead of me that each pose their own challenge.
Acceptance is reminding myself I did a good job, regardless of the bumps in the road.
Acceptance is loving myself even though I didn’t make it to the tippy top today, I always have tomorrow, and maybe i’ll try a different route, but I will get there.
Acceptance is just that. Accepting who I am, and that I may do things differently, but I climb those mountains and reach the top, in my own time, and that is what is truly important.
The mountains for me range from very simple tasks, such as leaving the house last Saturday, I physically couldn’t get myself to leave the house. My mountain presented itself to me, and I did all that I could to climb it, ate some healthy meals, did something creative, and Accepted that I was going to hang in for the day, and not let my list of things I wanted to do build a mountain around me.
My Mountains present themselves to me when I least want them to, and its my job to just take a few steps up the hill, making strides forward, and not let myself go back down the hill to start over a different day. AHDH are the root of most of my mountains, and I am learning my best to accept them.